No need for an intervention

You may have heard the rumor that I have been averaging three BLTs each week, and might be thinking that it is time we had a sit-down and discussed whether or not this is really wise menu planning.

I will point out that in about a month there will be no more T's and the BLT well will run dry.

Fortunately the weather is turning towards the wood-fired, slow cooked pork loin with rosemary roasted potatoes. Otherwise I would not know what to do.

By the way, the best way to celebrate late summer/early autumn is to take a ripe black fig, make a slit the long way in one side, stuff the gash with good goat cheese, wrap the whole thing in pancetta and grill over a wood fire. Try to stick to under ten in one sitting. I dare you.

Or, if you really want to have a good meal, go to The Restaurant at Wente Vineyards in Livermore. Not to scoop myself (the review comes out next week, as the photographer was not available for this week), but Wente put themselves into a group that only one other restaurant has ever attained (the other restaurant, by the way is Porky's Pizza Palace in San Leandro - go on a Thursday night when the Oakland Banjo Band performs) - four stars. Not three and a half (the first half star is the easiest to lose. A single blip of tough stuff in a sausage, or a little bit of hard kernal in my sweatbreads will do the trick. It's why I never seem to be able to write in the /ipoint "four stars."), but four, whole, undivided stars.

Obviously the dining experience at Wente is different than the dining experience at Porky's, but what they have in common is that they have mastered the class they put themselves in. Perfection at the level they aspire to.

If you are doing a trip to the Bay Area, put them on your list along with French Laundry, Oliveto, CHAPEAU!, La Folie, Dona Tomas, and L'Osteria del Forno. There you have it: if I had six nights in the Bay Area I would go to Wente and the first five for dinnner, and have lunch at L'Osteria the day I went to to Dona Tomas. Of course you will have to schedule in some major hikes to work off the food (not to mention a good budget for such things). For more details email me at EKeilholtz [At] aol [dot] com for an updated Keilholtz Guide to Oakland and the Bay Area, which will be revised this weekend.

PS. I did mention that Wente has an excellent cigar menu, no? Including a properly stored pre-embargo Cuban.

Art Photos

TSO asks why I don't post photos of my artwork on the blog, and it is a good question.

The answer is complex, but here goes:

1. I am planning on having a different website to show (and sell) artwork. On it I will have all of my paintings and drawings that pass my standards. I was hoping to have this site up this summer, but my web designer lives in a different city, has had a baby, etc. We just don't communicate often enough, and, since getting this project up and running will take a considerable amount of work, I have been waiting until there is a break in my schedule. The longer it gets, though, the higher the priority this project gets, so as soon as I write the four restaurant reviews I have to file in the next week, I will probably start work on it.

2. Obviously I will need to photograph my art. If I don't do it right, I might as well not do it. I have been debating hiring someone or simply setting up a photo day and doing it myself with the fancy digital camera that we can use from the newspaper. Since I have a general aversion to photographers, I have opted for the second, which means that I will need to take a couple of days (when the camera is available) and spend it tinkering with lighting and so forth.

3. I have no idea how to post images to this site (or any site). I have not learned web design, and have no intention of spending any time on the matter until I have a site dedicated to showing art, at which point I will post lots and lots of pictures (and will let my readers here know about it when it happens).

4. This blog lives on my friends' server, and I don't want to use up too much bandwidth.

So, until then you will have to come to Oakland to see my work (although some of it is in Sacramento, and scattered pieces can be found in private collections in Portland, Pittsburg (PA, does that one use the "h" or is it the one in California?), Fiddletown, Santa Cruz, St. Louis, and points in between). If you really want to see some neat art online, why not look at my friend Jared's over at Artgoblin? It looks nothing at all like my work, but Jared is quite good. He also took some good bullfight pictures a few years ago that you can see.

Ah, the wide wild world of the internet...

I finally got around to cleaning up the Trackback Pings on the blog. There are some strange "interests" out there. Anyway, they are gone, and the only pings left are the real ones.

So. For those who came here looking for, well, unusual things involving large animals and "interracial cuckolds", you will probably have to go elsewhere.

One Artists. Seven Days. Four Paintings!

I have been super productive in the studio (and seeing art as well as reading). The shorted side of my activity? You guessed it!

Thank you if you have commented. I will get to the comments soon and will approve them (remember they dont appear until I pass them). Lots of spam, so I need a good 45 minutes to sift and sort and read. Don't give up. I will try to get them done ASAP.

Meanwhile I have been ignoring my 419 scammer. My friend Joel has sort of taken up where I left off, creating some interesting twists to Ernie. For instance, Ernie has a mistress who lives in New Orleans!

Pretty soon Ernie will come back into the picture with a whole new spin on things. Let's first see what Joel comes up with. He is quite good at 419-baiting.

So, I do not want to lose any of the letters from this exchance, so I will post them as they came in, unanswered for the most part. Since I have to meet with a client, have some house work, and a dinner party tonight, I am not going to go back and figure out what I already posted, so there might be some overlap. I just don't want to get too far behind:

Hi ernie is very good to hear from you that you are back from the hospital that everything is ok now,dont bother about going to the south africa embassy you can just get a ticket directly to johannesburg airport,you do not need a visa from the inquiry imade what is joel considering he does not want you to come or what,i will like to meet you soon or does he just that the we pay the manager by a wire transfer ,so we can have on on file the documents immediately so try and come or that means we have to give the manager the money by a wire transfer so which one is better ernie lets do something because he asked me yesterday in the office i have had from you i said know so what do we do ernie we lost 6days in touch now,lets make a move ok.

LISA

Hello ernie whats happening today am out of the office but just came back expecting your email but know news from you,you now delay in replying my email why why.

LISA

Hello tell me was the problem you do not reply my emails again today i expected to get an email from you but know news,keep me informed.

(no signature)

Hello ernie know email from you what is really the problem can you tell me i wrote Joel know reply and you know reply now i gave the manager your number because he is in london for a meeting he called the number you gave me it was a toll- free number he told me what is the situation.

(no signature) NB: the toll free number was to one of the neo-puritan anti-smoking propoganda lines from the State of California.

So Lisa emails Joel, since Ernie is AWOL:

> Hello Joel how are you doing whats wrong with ernie he has not been replying
> my emails,tell him thye manager will soon be leaving for london if he wants he
> can meet him there,that he should email me immediately.

And Joel responds:

Lisa:

I'm sorry for the delay, but I was attending a business meeting in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho this week.

Ernie has been hard to catch lately, but I'll see if we can't talk him into meeting with your representative in London. Please make sure that he is well accommodated. He's a fussy little man, and you'll hear no end of complaints if he is not treated to first class treatment.

Joel

And from Lisa:

>
> Hello joel how are you doing it was quite a long time have you contacted Ernie
> when is he going to london so the manager will arrange for his picking up at
> the airport inform me immediately we are really delaying so get in touch with
> ernie immediately and know the date he is coming.
>

Lisa:

I'll contact Ernie tomorrow (today is a national holiday). He may be busy with his real estate investments down in New Orleans, but I'll try to get a hold of him in any case.

Joel

And from Lisa:

> how you doing hope you are alright what is the outcome with your discussion
> with ernie when is he coming to london why do you delay in replying emails
> even the informations i asked of you i did not get whats wrong we are delaying
> whats the news.

And Joel responds:

Lisa:

I've been out of town for days.

Please allow me time to decipher your cryptic e-mail. Is it some sort of code?

Joel

And Lisa deciphers:

> Whats the news from ernie is he coming or not let me know the manager is still
> awaiting his arrival.
>

And Joel shows his touch for this business once again:

Lisa:

I apologize for appearing to be untidy, however, my company has been forcing me to travel into southern Oregon to clean up a mess there. Heads will roll, I assure you.

Ernie has not been heard from. He went down to New Orleans to check up on his investment properties and has not answered my inquiries since. I hope that he is okay. There are not many hotel rooms available down there, so I haven't the foggiest notion where he's staying.

I just went to a working-class grocery store this morning and I was
horrified by the ugly, green tattoos which were proudly displayed by nearly everyone. The pendulous, bare midriffs were not a comfort either. Ugh! I hope that your African compatriots are showing more class in public than our own filthy-minded hordes.

If Ernie does not follow through with your bit of business, I suppose that I'll have to do it myself, but it will be difficult to fit it into my present schedule.

Joel

Sometimes Joel ignores her, too:

> Hello Joel why do you not respond often i sent you an email so you send me
> some requirements but i have not heard from you so keep me informed and stop
> the delay.

And, seizing on current events, and developing his character a bit, Joel delves into the macabre a bit:

Lisa:

I've been working out of town and I have limited access to computers. I'm working in rural, southern Oregon, where people are more interested in fishing than in broadband internet access. Fools -- all of them.

We are in a huge national crisis, in case you hadn't noticed. Ernie is down in New Orleans surveying his losses and arguing with Federal officials over the nasty, little details, such as who will repair and replace the infrastructure in and around his devastated investments, and who must pay for the removal and burial of the unidentified dead inside the houses and apartments. Ugh! Poor bastard!

He's going to need that money you've promised, so get cracking on your end!

Joel

When 419ers get worried, their grammar deteriorates:

> Hello Joel i thoyght you wanted to fix in the business so whats th eproblem
> did you speak with any on phone the manager needs your mobile and house number
> to communicate to you it will be faster i guess i asked you to send me your
> biodata why do you delay.So are u serious to do the business keep me informed
> immediately.
>

Lisa:

I appreciate the offer very much. I'd very much like to "complete" this deal, however, it was Ernie's deal in the first place, and I need to give him the opportunity to complete the transaction. He's really going to need the money when he figures out how much he's lost down in Louisiana.

Joel

You have to give Lisa credit. She sticks to it:

> Hello Joel ernie is not coming up with any news thats why i want you to do the
> business we are running out of time because of ernie has stopped replying for
> a long while.
>
And from Joel:

Lisa:

I'll check into Ernie's status while I'm home for the next two days.

Joel

Panic!

> JOEL i had what you said please check ernies status immediately so you can fit
> in we are on delay to get those funds ok.

And Joel develops Ernie's, uh, character a bit:

Lisa:

Ernie's still out of town and his wife doesn't like me (she considers me to be a bad influence -- can you believe that?), but I was able to talk to his mistress (a tattooed, tongue-pierced, money-grasping, white-trash, shopping machine if you ask me -- way below his standards). She assured me that cellular phone service in New Orleans would be restored within 48 hours. She sounded like she was drunk, but she was adamant.

Unfortunately, I'll be on the road again on Monday and I don't know if Ernie will be available before that. I understand that this deal with you is worth millions, but dammit! I can't be expected to pay roaming charges on my cell phone chatting with Ernie unless you can assure me that I'll be reimbursed! What provisions have you made for reimbursements? These expenses add up! Ernie is unlikely to offer to pay my cell phone bill, so can you take care of it?

Joel

La Cuisine de Maroc

In the comments box to the post below, someone asked about Moroccan food in the Bay Area. While I love Moroccan food, I have yet to eat at a restaurant in the area that does this cuisine justice. Come to think of it, I have rarely eaten in a restaurant in Morocco that does this cuisine justice, either.

When I have a hankering for Moroccan food, I cook it myself (the main reason that I keep a big jar of salt-preserved lemons in the back of the icebox). If, however, any of my readers have a place to recommend, please let me know. I would love to find a reputable Moroccan restaurant (especially one that is more Berber in its orientation than Arabic) in the Bay Area.

Stuffed squash

Earlier this summer someone gave us a zucchini that resembled one of the Body Snatchers pods. I cut a third of it off and shredded it. After making a double batch of zucchini bread, as well as still having a generous pint of shredded zucchini, I figured I had better come up with something for the remaining two thirds of the monster.

So, I browned some ground beef, smoked some eggplant, chopped the eggplant finely, made a big trough in the zucchini, chopping the removed bits, sauteing the eggplant and zucchini with a diced onion, seasoned the whole thing with spices, put it in the zucchini and baked it. It was good, but needed a little refinement.

The other day we were once again the recipients of free squash. I assumed that it was of the summer squash family. It wasn't. I had to scoop out stringy stuff with seeds, and spent quite a bit of time thinning the walls. Fantastic squash, by the way. It worked better than the zucchini.

I did the same basic treatment (I had smoked a couple of eggplants the other day, so they were ready to go).

First, I oiled the sqaushes with EVOO and started their baking in a 400 degree oven.

I chopped up the squash that had been removed from the walls.

I browned some ground beef (two pounds was more than enough for two squashes) and transfered (without draining, you Puritanical perverts. Sheesh. Down the drain with the best parts?!? Not on your life) the meat to a work bowl. Then the squash got the treatment in olive oil (EVOO, natch), with late additions of garlic and the chopped eggplant.

Into the bowl. Then a diced onion: translucent. Bowl gets dumped back into skillet.

Then the seasonings:

Big pinch of dried oregano
Pinch of dried mint
Lots of cinnamon
Lots of cumin
Half a teaspoon of sweet pimenton
Generous pinch of lavender blossoms
Sprinkle of turmeric
Dash of allspice
Pinch of fennel seeds
A dash of the secret ingredient (I will give you a hint: it contains anchovies and tamarind and comes from England)
Salt and freshly cracked black pepper

When it all tasted right, the stuffing went into the squash shells and the whole thing went into the oven.

We ate it with a green salad with organic, heirloom, vine-ripened (what did you expect? Oh, I decided to save ten cents and go buy factory farmed wretch bombs at the Unsafeway? Give me a break) tomatoes, toasted pine nuts and pecorino romano shavings. I served a Rhonesque California table wine from Soledad called Red Flyer (one of the Trader Joe's staples).

The Perfect BLT

I have been eating BLT's recently. Not just any BLT's, but the perfect BLT's. Actually there are some variants, but the three things that must be in order are:

1. Good bread. The old stand-by, sliced sour, is OK, but I am finding that Trader Joe's Shepherd's Bread OR slices of a brioche loaf are even better. The bread should be toasted lightly. Mayonaisse (it must be Best Foods/Hellman's or homemade (better)) ONLY on the side with the lettuce. What is it with these relativists who think that condiments can go on either side of a sandwich? It's just disgusting. Here are some simple rules:

A. Condiments which may go on the meat side are mustard and ketchup and their derivatives. Meat side condiments should not go on the lettuce/tomato side. Lettuce should not have mustard on it. Pickle relish is just yucky and should be avoided altogether.

B. Condiments which must go only on the lettuce/tomato side are mayonaisse, aioli, and other members of the cold emulsion family. Putting mayo on the meat side of a hot burger is beyond disgusting. Chutneys are meat-side condiments.

C. Pickle slices may go on the meat side, although they are not bound by law to. So-called bread and butter pickles are only fit for a narrow range of sandwiches, and never, I mean, never on a burger. Raw onions also have about as much a place on a burger as ordination does on a woman. Yuck. Hideous. Grotesque.

D. Cheese is the proper ambassador between the meat and the lettuce-tomato side of the sandwich. In the absence of cheese, Romaine lettuce will do, so long as the layer of meat is adequate to insulate lettuce leaf from mustard. In a hot sandwich, the cheese should be melted with the meat.

E. Onion Rolls are an abomination, as are any bread products featuring chips of burnt garlic.

F. Use a dedicated knife for each condiment. Those who would take a knife that has been in mayo and dip it in the mustard are perverts.

Oh yeah, this was a recipe about the perfect BLT...

2. Good bacon. Amazingly hard to find. Try an old-fashioned butcher. I have been eating great bacon from Taylor's Market in Sacramento, but I also advocate the Little City Butcher in San Francisco, as well as the Trader Joe's uncured applewood smoked bacon. I am suspending my endorsement of the Niman Ranch uncured bacon until they bring back the old formulation (and, lucky them, I live within walking distance of their headquarters. I bet every business wishes that its most annoying customer lived that close. "So, Bill, still $%#$ing with the bacon formulation? Let me know when you go back to doing it right!"). Fry it gently to the point between crisp and limp (the elusive al dente of bacon).

3. Tomato. Organic, flavorful variety, vine ripened. Never refrigerated. Why bother with imported tomatoes? Might as well eat wet styrofoam.

4. Lettuce. Melanie insists on iceberg, and I can see it. Crisp, cool, juicy, offering a good textural contrast to the other ingredients. The other day I used a really good mesclun: radicchio, curly endive, dandelion, mache, etc. It was fine, but all those subtle flavors were a little lost. So I went to straight chicories: endive and radicchio. WOW! Today I went with heart of romaine. I think that is the perfect balance between texture and flavor. Amazing results.

5. Cut the sandwich in half. Part of the joy is the look of the layers at the cut.

6. Drink beer with sandwich and leave out the chips. They get in the way.

The first of a flurious fury. No, a furious flury...

Last night I was to get back to some serious BLOGGING!!! Serious blogging? Sure, right after I drink my alcohol-free vodka, have my solemn somber meditations on the Three Stooges and...

Anyway, something happened. I did not blog, serious or otherwise.

I painted. And painted. And painted. I should be asleep right now, but I am still on post painting mind-weird.

I have been working on a theme, a glance of North Beach, in my usual custom: realist drawings, various abstractions in pencil and pen, color pencil work. That is just dipping one's toe in the water.

Serious work begins when brush hits paint hits paper/canvas/wood.

Last night, due to car troubles (not my own, but my ride's), an uncooperative ragu (c'mon, it's supposed to be done after 2 1/2 hours of cooking!), the arrival of a friend at the airport, etc., I ended up not going to the one bullfight of the year I most look forward to.

Bitter? Not I. It actually ended up a rather pleasant evening. We ate pasta, picked up our friend, who brought a bottle of Amaro Nonino over, chatted, and then, when everyone had gone to bed, I slithered off to the studio, espresso raging through my veins.

Brush hit paint, hit paper (watercolor this time - I needed the challenge last night). I was up late, but completed a major study, simplified the motif, worked the color, and stumbled off to bed at an hour that would make Dracula blush.

Today, no nap, but a perfect BLT and a bottle of Hop Ottin' IPA. What is a perfect BLT? Recipe to follow. Then nap.

Sleep. Sweet sleep. But first a recipe.

Still swamped

I know, I promised a real entry this weekend, but duty calls (not to mention an entirely pleasant afternoon into evening at our friends' house). The long and the short:

1. My mom is doing much better. She is at home. The pneumonia is gone, but she is tired. I am doing the cooking and other chores for a couple of days at least. If wild mushroom risotto doesn't restore her strength, I don't know what will.

2. Our 419 friend is getting very frustrated at me not responding. My friend Joel has been keeping hope alive in her. I should probably dangle a carrot myself, and then throw a curve ball again.

3. The next bullfight is in Gustine on Monday the 12th. It is usually a good one. If you go, be sure to be there by 6, as it will sell out. If you go, look for me. I will wear a Hawaiian shirt and am six feet tall with a reddish beard. Hopefully I will have gotten a haircut, so I won't be shaggy, but you never know.

4. I totally forgot to mark Amalia's birthday on the blog (as we were in Portland), so wish her a happy fourth birthday by eating some belated cake (or a purple dum dum, her favorite candy).

5. Fishing with a four year old is a blast. You ought to do it sometime. No patience whatsoever, not to mention a tendency to jump up and down on the bottom of the boat whenever a fish jumps nearby (not conducive to luring the little things to the bait, but awfully cute) make for little catch, but oh what fun. Letting her drive the boat is quite a ride, too (even with a parental hand on the tiller).

Update

I am still alive and well, but having to deal with stuff that takes priority (long story, but my mother is in the hospital (in Portland, Oregon, where we were for a family reunion) with pneumonia. She is responding well to antibiotics, but will probably be in there for a couple more days. Prayers appreciated).

I am planning on some new posts tomorrow or Saturday (including some 419 fun - hopefully my contact has not despaired too much of my silence). I will also post some on why I love Portland. A great city, probably the best in the nation, for a number of reasons.