Liquid Mercury

This is supposed to be news. Well, duh! Everyone knows mercury is liquid. Solid rock wouldn't work in a thermometer.

If these scientists just majored in Common Sense then think of all the money that could be go into rollerderby instead of these silly studies.

Next, they will find out that what I have been saying all along, that the Earth is flat, is obviously true. I mean, when was the last time you ever saw anything roll off of it?

But these "scientists" with their "mathematics" and "geometry" (oh, we're supposed to be scared just because they use big French words on us), say that the Earth is like a ball. Haven't they ever played ball before? Haven't they ever stood on a basketball before? It's not easy. And standing on the Earth is easy (unless you have had a little too much of the clear stuff that Uncle Chester keeps in the jar in the kitchen cupboard).

If the Earth is a big ball, why doesn't everyone go around saying, "whoah! whoah! whoah!" all the time?

These scientists ought to make themselves useful, and invent stuff, like bigger engines.