Funerals...

TSO talks about things that bother him about funerals. I understand his annoyance. Personally, I have given some long thought to what to do when I die:

1. If the priest suggests that I am already in Heaven (and thus not in need of any prayers), I will implore the Heavenly Father to allow me to sit bolt upright in the coffin, point to the well-meaning priest and say "you might just be next."

2. Black vestments, please.

3. All together now: Dies irae, dies illa...

4. When Herb Caen died, I drank a vodka martini in his honor. It cost fifty cents, as almost all of the bars in town had fifty cent martinis in his honor. It was the last vodka martini I have had. So, please. I am only asking this once, but drink gin. Just for one toast at least.

5. The priest should talk about confession. And Hell. He should remind the good folks gently about how long eternity is, and how wretched it would be to spend it in torment.

6. IF anyone dares play a guitar or piano at my funeral, I will grab his ankle during the burial and pull him into the grave with me.

7. Ornate, marble Etruscan sarcophogus is optional.

8. Black-shirted honor guard isn't.

9. No photographs of me in sight at the Church or the burial. Just leave the lid open until it is time to shut it. No squeamishness around corpses, you people.

You got that?