One Artists. Seven Days. Four Paintings!

I have been super productive in the studio (and seeing art as well as reading). The shorted side of my activity? You guessed it!

Thank you if you have commented. I will get to the comments soon and will approve them (remember they dont appear until I pass them). Lots of spam, so I need a good 45 minutes to sift and sort and read. Don't give up. I will try to get them done ASAP.

Meanwhile I have been ignoring my 419 scammer. My friend Joel has sort of taken up where I left off, creating some interesting twists to Ernie. For instance, Ernie has a mistress who lives in New Orleans!

Pretty soon Ernie will come back into the picture with a whole new spin on things. Let's first see what Joel comes up with. He is quite good at 419-baiting.

So, I do not want to lose any of the letters from this exchance, so I will post them as they came in, unanswered for the most part. Since I have to meet with a client, have some house work, and a dinner party tonight, I am not going to go back and figure out what I already posted, so there might be some overlap. I just don't want to get too far behind:

Hi ernie is very good to hear from you that you are back from the hospital that everything is ok now,dont bother about going to the south africa embassy you can just get a ticket directly to johannesburg airport,you do not need a visa from the inquiry imade what is joel considering he does not want you to come or what,i will like to meet you soon or does he just that the we pay the manager by a wire transfer ,so we can have on on file the documents immediately so try and come or that means we have to give the manager the money by a wire transfer so which one is better ernie lets do something because he asked me yesterday in the office i have had from you i said know so what do we do ernie we lost 6days in touch now,lets make a move ok.

LISA

Hello ernie whats happening today am out of the office but just came back expecting your email but know news from you,you now delay in replying my email why why.

LISA

Hello tell me was the problem you do not reply my emails again today i expected to get an email from you but know news,keep me informed.

(no signature)

Hello ernie know email from you what is really the problem can you tell me i wrote Joel know reply and you know reply now i gave the manager your number because he is in london for a meeting he called the number you gave me it was a toll- free number he told me what is the situation.

(no signature) NB: the toll free number was to one of the neo-puritan anti-smoking propoganda lines from the State of California.

So Lisa emails Joel, since Ernie is AWOL:

> Hello Joel how are you doing whats wrong with ernie he has not been replying
> my emails,tell him thye manager will soon be leaving for london if he wants he
> can meet him there,that he should email me immediately.

And Joel responds:

Lisa:

I'm sorry for the delay, but I was attending a business meeting in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho this week.

Ernie has been hard to catch lately, but I'll see if we can't talk him into meeting with your representative in London. Please make sure that he is well accommodated. He's a fussy little man, and you'll hear no end of complaints if he is not treated to first class treatment.

Joel

And from Lisa:

>
> Hello joel how are you doing it was quite a long time have you contacted Ernie
> when is he going to london so the manager will arrange for his picking up at
> the airport inform me immediately we are really delaying so get in touch with
> ernie immediately and know the date he is coming.
>

Lisa:

I'll contact Ernie tomorrow (today is a national holiday). He may be busy with his real estate investments down in New Orleans, but I'll try to get a hold of him in any case.

Joel

And from Lisa:

> how you doing hope you are alright what is the outcome with your discussion
> with ernie when is he coming to london why do you delay in replying emails
> even the informations i asked of you i did not get whats wrong we are delaying
> whats the news.

And Joel responds:

Lisa:

I've been out of town for days.

Please allow me time to decipher your cryptic e-mail. Is it some sort of code?

Joel

And Lisa deciphers:

> Whats the news from ernie is he coming or not let me know the manager is still
> awaiting his arrival.
>

And Joel shows his touch for this business once again:

Lisa:

I apologize for appearing to be untidy, however, my company has been forcing me to travel into southern Oregon to clean up a mess there. Heads will roll, I assure you.

Ernie has not been heard from. He went down to New Orleans to check up on his investment properties and has not answered my inquiries since. I hope that he is okay. There are not many hotel rooms available down there, so I haven't the foggiest notion where he's staying.

I just went to a working-class grocery store this morning and I was
horrified by the ugly, green tattoos which were proudly displayed by nearly everyone. The pendulous, bare midriffs were not a comfort either. Ugh! I hope that your African compatriots are showing more class in public than our own filthy-minded hordes.

If Ernie does not follow through with your bit of business, I suppose that I'll have to do it myself, but it will be difficult to fit it into my present schedule.

Joel

Sometimes Joel ignores her, too:

> Hello Joel why do you not respond often i sent you an email so you send me
> some requirements but i have not heard from you so keep me informed and stop
> the delay.

And, seizing on current events, and developing his character a bit, Joel delves into the macabre a bit:

Lisa:

I've been working out of town and I have limited access to computers. I'm working in rural, southern Oregon, where people are more interested in fishing than in broadband internet access. Fools -- all of them.

We are in a huge national crisis, in case you hadn't noticed. Ernie is down in New Orleans surveying his losses and arguing with Federal officials over the nasty, little details, such as who will repair and replace the infrastructure in and around his devastated investments, and who must pay for the removal and burial of the unidentified dead inside the houses and apartments. Ugh! Poor bastard!

He's going to need that money you've promised, so get cracking on your end!

Joel

When 419ers get worried, their grammar deteriorates:

> Hello Joel i thoyght you wanted to fix in the business so whats th eproblem
> did you speak with any on phone the manager needs your mobile and house number
> to communicate to you it will be faster i guess i asked you to send me your
> biodata why do you delay.So are u serious to do the business keep me informed
> immediately.
>

Lisa:

I appreciate the offer very much. I'd very much like to "complete" this deal, however, it was Ernie's deal in the first place, and I need to give him the opportunity to complete the transaction. He's really going to need the money when he figures out how much he's lost down in Louisiana.

Joel

You have to give Lisa credit. She sticks to it:

> Hello Joel ernie is not coming up with any news thats why i want you to do the
> business we are running out of time because of ernie has stopped replying for
> a long while.
>
And from Joel:

Lisa:

I'll check into Ernie's status while I'm home for the next two days.

Joel

Panic!

> JOEL i had what you said please check ernies status immediately so you can fit
> in we are on delay to get those funds ok.

And Joel develops Ernie's, uh, character a bit:

Lisa:

Ernie's still out of town and his wife doesn't like me (she considers me to be a bad influence -- can you believe that?), but I was able to talk to his mistress (a tattooed, tongue-pierced, money-grasping, white-trash, shopping machine if you ask me -- way below his standards). She assured me that cellular phone service in New Orleans would be restored within 48 hours. She sounded like she was drunk, but she was adamant.

Unfortunately, I'll be on the road again on Monday and I don't know if Ernie will be available before that. I understand that this deal with you is worth millions, but dammit! I can't be expected to pay roaming charges on my cell phone chatting with Ernie unless you can assure me that I'll be reimbursed! What provisions have you made for reimbursements? These expenses add up! Ernie is unlikely to offer to pay my cell phone bill, so can you take care of it?

Joel

Posted by erik at September 20, 2005 10:24 AM | TrackBack