The Perfect BLT

I have been eating BLT's recently. Not just any BLT's, but the perfect BLT's. Actually there are some variants, but the three things that must be in order are:

1. Good bread. The old stand-by, sliced sour, is OK, but I am finding that Trader Joe's Shepherd's Bread OR slices of a brioche loaf are even better. The bread should be toasted lightly. Mayonaisse (it must be Best Foods/Hellman's or homemade (better)) ONLY on the side with the lettuce. What is it with these relativists who think that condiments can go on either side of a sandwich? It's just disgusting. Here are some simple rules:

A. Condiments which may go on the meat side are mustard and ketchup and their derivatives. Meat side condiments should not go on the lettuce/tomato side. Lettuce should not have mustard on it. Pickle relish is just yucky and should be avoided altogether.

B. Condiments which must go only on the lettuce/tomato side are mayonaisse, aioli, and other members of the cold emulsion family. Putting mayo on the meat side of a hot burger is beyond disgusting. Chutneys are meat-side condiments.

C. Pickle slices may go on the meat side, although they are not bound by law to. So-called bread and butter pickles are only fit for a narrow range of sandwiches, and never, I mean, never on a burger. Raw onions also have about as much a place on a burger as ordination does on a woman. Yuck. Hideous. Grotesque.

D. Cheese is the proper ambassador between the meat and the lettuce-tomato side of the sandwich. In the absence of cheese, Romaine lettuce will do, so long as the layer of meat is adequate to insulate lettuce leaf from mustard. In a hot sandwich, the cheese should be melted with the meat.

E. Onion Rolls are an abomination, as are any bread products featuring chips of burnt garlic.

F. Use a dedicated knife for each condiment. Those who would take a knife that has been in mayo and dip it in the mustard are perverts.

Oh yeah, this was a recipe about the perfect BLT...

2. Good bacon. Amazingly hard to find. Try an old-fashioned butcher. I have been eating great bacon from Taylor's Market in Sacramento, but I also advocate the Little City Butcher in San Francisco, as well as the Trader Joe's uncured applewood smoked bacon. I am suspending my endorsement of the Niman Ranch uncured bacon until they bring back the old formulation (and, lucky them, I live within walking distance of their headquarters. I bet every business wishes that its most annoying customer lived that close. "So, Bill, still $%#$ing with the bacon formulation? Let me know when you go back to doing it right!"). Fry it gently to the point between crisp and limp (the elusive al dente of bacon).

3. Tomato. Organic, flavorful variety, vine ripened. Never refrigerated. Why bother with imported tomatoes? Might as well eat wet styrofoam.

4. Lettuce. Melanie insists on iceberg, and I can see it. Crisp, cool, juicy, offering a good textural contrast to the other ingredients. The other day I used a really good mesclun: radicchio, curly endive, dandelion, mache, etc. It was fine, but all those subtle flavors were a little lost. So I went to straight chicories: endive and radicchio. WOW! Today I went with heart of romaine. I think that is the perfect balance between texture and flavor. Amazing results.

5. Cut the sandwich in half. Part of the joy is the look of the layers at the cut.

6. Drink beer with sandwich and leave out the chips. They get in the way.