Open Letter to Bay Area Restaurateurs

Dear Restaurateur,

Notice is hearby given that if you serve me an inferior tomato between now and November 1 I will tear you to shreds in print, in front of my 500,000 readers. There is just no excuse for an underripe, tasteless tomato. About twice a week someone offers me baskets of good, vine ripe, often heirloom tomatoes FOR FREE! If I am particularly tomato crazy I will go to the farmers' markets and buy organic, vine-ripened heirloom tomatoes CHEAP (and this at retail prices!). You serve me something that resembles wet poly-packaging material I will upbraid you, I will skewer you, I will leave you gasping for breath in a muddy ditch, all to the general amusement of my readers. I don't care if you are a greasy spoon or a foodie shrine (although if you are a foodie shrine, like the venerable Oakland deli that served me slices of insipid tomato on an otherwise outstanding sandwich, I will make you regret the day that you ever put on a white coat), you will pay the price for your dishonorable doings.

For, from this day on, I am no longer just Erik Keilholtz, restaurant critic in several Bay Area daily newspapers, but Don Keilholtzi, Knight of the Fragrant Nightshade. I don my helmet of solid newsprint and, together with my trusty squire, the Fair Amalia, will ride into your castle to defend the honor and virtue of this glorious fruit. Now, if you will let me scrape the fresh mozzarella that is dripping from my helmet, due to the nefarious workings of some enchanter, I will ride my noble steed in the cause of Nightshade Errantry.

Yours,
Don Keilholtzi,
Knight of the Fragrant Nightshade and aforementioned restaurant critic of several daily newspapers in the Bay Area