Holy 419 (Part 6)

Well, it is good to know that 419ers can have perfectly tidious days. Sometimes I feel that way myself. If you think Ernie is a pain, just wait until you meet his assistant Jaap Van Roojen (who, unlike Ernie, is very familiar with South Africa, or should I say Sud Afrika). But beware: what Lisa doesn't know (and neither does Ernie) is that poor Ernie has a nasty heart condition. He might not make it through Labor Day. It depends. He might suddenly get interesting, which means that I let him live. It all depends. As usual, my response is in the Extended Entry section! Read on:

Hello ernie how are you i t was ouiet a tidious day,the manager was out for a meeting so i had some work to do,in your email you said about giving the manager 50$ thats would be an insult to him,as the bank manager he earns about 25,000USD apart from allowances,so now what do you think we give him,so he approves he is to sign off the funds ok,and now you have to land in johanesburg international airport thats the correct airport ok,so dont bother about bring a gun ok,is not necessary we have to make the manager sign ok,so what can we really offer him he came back very late to the office i told him you will be coming he said ok thats good so now we have to make out an amount to give him ok so i can talk to him ok,so ernie whats your aim lets decide and tell me if the have given you visa ok.Keep me informed immediately.
LISA

Lisa,

Wow! $25,000! I had no idea that anyone in Africa made that sort of money. I figured a well to do person probably made around $100 a week or so, nothing at all like $25,000. What does this man spend this kind of money on? Are there any real stores in Africa? Any Wal*Marts? Anyway, obviously we will need to offer him more money, probably as much as $500, although I urge you to please not be overly generous, for the man's own sake. One time I knew a man who came into a lot of money and did he invest it or use it for anything good? No. He used it all on gambling horses and whiskey. He is back to being a poor man, and all the good the money did was turn him into a drunk. Obviously there is something a little off about this manager, since he will be wanting a bribe, so we should not lead him too far down any path that might cause him to stumble and become a rummy or a womanizer or even a sodomite, because rum can lead to drugs and that could make him turn to a life of terrible disrepute and I would be ashamed and dismayed if that were to happen. So, let me know if $500 is good, because if it isn't, I suppose we can go higher, even to the thousands of dollars if we really have to, but I don't want to waste any money that does not need to be wasted. Of course I expect to be paid back from the fund for this and any expenses, which I am assuming you are OK with. Now about my trip, I am a little nervous about flying to Africa, because I have read all about Africa in the newspapers and how there are wars and diseases. Your town is not close to Sudan is it? I keep reading about Sudan and it sounds terrible. If you are close to Sudan I think I might insist on bringing a gun, although if your insurances are that it is not necessary, I think you are a trustworthy and riputable sort. Anyway I would love to see your country after we get the business taken care of, so please tell me what I should see afterward. You mention a visa, do I get that from the United Nations or from your government? Where do I go to get a visa or can I do it by mail (assuming that you have mail there in Africa)? Should I get my visa first before getting my airline ticket to Johanesberg International Airport. I also have to give you my assistant's information. He will not be joining me, as he has urgent work to do in the United States, but that will be fine, since this way if we decide we need to pay more money to the manager, he can wire it to me. But I think you wanted his information, so I will ask him to send it. I forgot to tell him to send it earlier. Sorry.

Keep me posted. Thank you,

Ernie