Bullfight in Gustine

Last Monday, one of folks in our party, a teenage friend who shall remain nameless, decided to try his hand at writing bullfight reviews. I was going to add my own reviews in between his, but deadlines continue to stare me down, so I will just post his. Keep in mind that this was his third bullfight:

*The review of the bull fight is true, only the names have been changed to cause greater amusement.*

I am writing right now at 1:38 AM in the morning. We just got back from fore-mentioned bullfight. So don't be surprised if my sentences get longer and words like "pgfl;sjd" show up as this review progresses further into the morning.

Right, let's begin by introducing everyone to Portuguese bullfighting. Portuguese bullfighting, meet my audience. My audience, meet Portuguese bullfighting. Oh, I haven't yet introduced you to all the wonderful children of Portuguese bullfighting.

Horsey dudes: These guys ride on horses... Uh... Yeah... (I wrote this at about 1:40 AM, gimme a break.)

They got cool tri-corner hats. Though I've yet to see one with a peg-leg and parrot... That would be awesome...

They ride around and try to put Velcro tipped spears on the bulls. Which is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine trying to get up close enough to a CHARGING bull intent on skewering the horse on its horns (The horns are capped for horsey dudes because since the horses are highly trained they're worth a lot).

Footsy dudes: These guys are entirely bipedal. They worship the elder god "Mickey Mouse". As a token of their own chosenness they wear funny hats. I think they have a permanent crick in their back or something but their posture is WAY messed up. They get bulls with non-capped horns so when they place the Velcro tipped spears on the bull they have to be PRETTY careful.

Getters-To-The-Point: These guys really take the bull by the horns in the bullfight. After the horsey dude is done placing his spears they form a line and the front guy shouts at the bull to get his attention. When the bull charges he grabs onto the bull's head and hopes that the rest of his buddies are there to back him up. If all goes according to plan they all grab the bull who gets semi-docile because he can't see (I think). Then they pull off the spears and one guy grabs the tail of the bull. The bull will try to get the guy grabbing his tail so it circles and the guy slides around until the other dudes are out of reach.

Distracters:These guys are much similar to the Footsy dudes in that they have capes. They distract the bull at various times (Like when they are un-controledly chasing a horsey dude too close). A good squad of these guys is essential for safety. A bad team of these guys can totally mess up the performance of the bullfighters.

Tractor Man: Tractor was a man... I mean... He was tractor man... Well... Maybe he was just a farmer... But he still-drives-a TRACTOR!!!
TRACTOR!!!

This guy is seriously misrepresented. He goes out there and smoothes out the ground sometimes between bulls. He definitely needs a cool costume and a funny posture. Maybe he could dedicate the cleaning even with his baseball cap (the bullfighters can dedicate spears to various things such as a particular section of bandstand, the band, someone in heaven, etc.)

Ok now for the three bull-fighters

Horsey dude #1: Portuguese guy from Portugal (Go figure). Did some great work uh... Yesterday.

Horsey dude #2 Californian, started at age 12 and is now 16-17. Needs more practice.

Footsy dude: Mexican. Funny costume. Not very popular with all those Portuguese people 'cause they like Horsies better then footsies.

Ok, enough with the introductions.

I of course sat right in front of the 2-3 year old who gives orders to all participants in the bullfight. Not to mention the mixed brigade of loud children and female types. I also sat in the physical front und hence got hit in the cheek by a dirt clod flung from the hooves of either the bull or the horse which passed by at extreme speeds.

1st Bull was good. Not to mention the Getters-To-The-Point grabbed him first time. Although he did almost get the horse against a wall. Bad navigating on the part of Horsey dude #1

2nd Bull Bad bad bad bad. Didn't charge a lot and stood around staring at various moving members of the audience. Got grabbed first time though by Getters-To-The-Point.

3rd Bull was absolutely awful. He went back out of the ring immediately (by himself) and one of the farmers gave it a hard smack on the head for doing so.

4th Bull was OK I guess. I don't remember much about it except that it fell down a lot.

5th Bull was Superb. Excellent horsemanship by Horsey dude #1. Awesome placement. The Getters-To-The-Point did not get him first time and a dude got trampled. He wasn't injured (seriously that is) though. They got the bull on the second try.

6th Bull So so. Thing I remembered about this one is it lifted TWO Getters-To-The-Point up into the air with its head. 400 pounds plus the weight of its already heavy head... That's scary.

7th Bull was OK I guess.

Ok, I gotta go to sleep now. It's 2:38 and the morning is not getting any further away.

Posted by erik at August 6, 2005 12:04 AM | TrackBack