Clinton and Kerry

You know, it is probably a symptom of my general disdain for democracy, but I really could never get that worked up over Bill Clinton. He just was too much of an oaf for me to get angry at. It was when he played the sax on television that I realized what a complete loser he was, just another boomer parent trying to look cool and hang out with the kids. Ick.

You never hear about Fed Chairman Greenspan's reed career. He could actually play. When he wasn't playing professionally he was hanging out with abstract expressionist painters and Ayn Rand. Yet Jay Leno never had him play on his show. It's too bad, since he can probably really blow. Well, maybe not now, but in his day.

Instead, we get Clinton honking his tenor. Cripes. He was worse than Kenny G.

But I never had a deep down loathing for the man the way a lot of conservatives did, even though he is such an awful musician, yet had the gall to play on national television. Observing the Clinton years was like watching a baby boomer dance. You might feel a little embarrassment for the boomer, you might find it funny, you certainly find it hideous, but you don't hate the poor guy for it. After all, he has to wake up in the morning and still be him.

In fact, when it came down to it, the reaction he got from Republicans amused me even more. "Vincent Foster!" Wait. Let me get my tinfoil hat on. OK. Tell me about how Clinton ordered Vincent Foster's death. Tee hee hee. It must be this modern age, but the Republicans seem to be smoking some powerful stuff. And inhaling, to boot.

Mrs. William Clinton, well, she is another story. Bad, bad news. Bill was just a goober made good. Mrs. William Clinton was more like an alien who comandeered a human body. She wants to be President, but she will never be my president (OK, revelation: no woman who is neither a Hapsburg nor a Mussolini will ever be the head of any state that I pledge fidelity to. I remain an entrenched sexist). She has vacant eyes, even though they dart around.

Now this Kerry fellow seems much more like Mrs. William Clinton. I can get into voting against him. I am even remaining true to my lukewarm endorsement of the Protestant Bush, simply because of my view of Kerry. I never voted for Clinton, but I also never voted for Bush Sr., nor for Bobdole (very senior). Instead I voted for Libertarians and the like.

I had a similar loathing of Gore, and voted for little Bush. Every time I have a slight feeling of regret, I think of Al Gore and feel proud to have voted for Bush. So proud that when I look at Kerry, I want to do it all over again.

So, here we are, getting closer and closer. I still do not like Bush (it's that "you see" stuff that drives me batty) and still avoid voting for Protestants on general principles (which leaves Kerry out in the cold, too), but I am still endorsing Bush. I listened to snippets from both candidates today. Bush almost lost me with his "ya see..." and then a bunch of sap about looove. Kerry lost me the minute I heard that grating voice.

In fact, when I hear Kerry or a Kennedy, I am forced to recall Abraham's words to God about Sodom. We need to find 10 good men in Massachussetts. We have Mark, there are the Mello Brothers, who make those great linguicas, and, uh, well...

So, here is the belated Friday One Hundred/Fifty?/Howabout Five?

1. List in the comments' boxes seven people who should be held up to God as reasons not to smite Massachussetts.

2. Help! Harvard lost some of the biggest fruitcakes on its faculty to Princeton. In honor of the occasion, create some sort of award for Cornel West.

3. Write an all-rhymed acceptance speech for Professor West.

4. Earn a chance at being a sportscaster for a day! California and Massachussetts seem locked in a fanatical battle to lead the world into complete moral decay. In your best adrenaline-charged voice, narrate events. C'mon. Give it your all! Give it all you've got! Give 110% and don't forget the basic fundamentals. Remember the goal of this football game is to get the football, to move the football over the goal line, and then to kick it between goal posts. It all boils down to the team that does this the most, wins the game. Any comment, Pat?

5. Describe an experience you had with Moxie or fiddlehead ferns.

Posted by erik at August 4, 2004 12:40 AM | TrackBack