Like I Said...

Bad ideas start in California, travel to NY, then hit the rest of the country. The District of Subsidia, the Serene Principality of the [crack] House of Barry, the home of our esteemed legislature, not to mention the Chief Justice and Associate Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States, is now following our STUPID lead, once again. So, now, based on all sorts of pseudo-science and emotionalism, the health Puritans (apostates who substitute all sorts of outlandish idols for God), strike again.

I remember when the idiotic smoking ban hit our bars and the bloated pig of a local radio station had these "perspective" pieces from a gloating lawyer who was rejoicing that "now I can go into bars again."

"Again," I sputtered! When was he ever able to go into bars then, unless he smoked and then quit and became one of these crusaders? Of course he politely genuflected to nonsense health pieties, but then cut to the meat of the matter: his hair and clothes wouldn't stink. My bet: he went into a bar a couple of times when the policy kicked in, and then never went in again. This is obviously not a man who appreciates bars.

Bars are meant to be smokey and dark. They should smell of stale beer and smoke and the air should be thick with appropriate music: country or moody jazz or dark baroque pieces by Bach. Bars are not for everyone, either as hangouts or as places of employment. Alcoholics should not work in bars. Asthmatics or overly perky people should probably not work in bars either.

Ideally bars should also come installed with typewriters, and should supply paper at reasonable cost. They should have walk-in humidors with good cigars, as well as cheapo cigars for those who write detective books. A man who is typing in a bar should only be interrupted for two reasons: to ask him for a light, or to offer him a drink. Someone who interrupts a man at a typewriter in a bar for any other reason should be fair game for a broken nose.

Bars should be segregated. Protestants and Catholics should do their ecumenical dialog in other venues. One or two Guinesses and they might see eye to eye and sing songs together, but three or four and the word "Ulster" gets thrown around and someone orders a Bushmill's and all hell breaks loose.

Bars should have back rooms for those who want to be in a bar but don't want to be seen in a bar, or who don't want to be seen with whomever they are with in a bar. Back rooms must be full of cigar smoke. Never trust a back room deal when made by people smoking cigarettes. cigarette smokers should smoke cigars when making back room deals, out of deference to the political cartoonists, at the very least. Never trust a back room deal when made by people who do not smoke.

The back rooms do not need to be segregated, because a different protocol is in place there. After official closing time, the backroom should be reserved for VIPs. The writers, however, should be kicked out at closing, since the fresh air of the wee hours will do them good. Otherwise they might turn into Bukowski characters (Bukowski himself got plenty of fresh air at the track).

There are other sorts of bars, but they tend to be immoral. Singles bars, gay bars, or bars that play disco music should be shut down by the Morality Police. The people inside should be warned and sent home. Bars that look like they were designed in the 1980's should be shut down by the Aesthetics Police. French zinc countered bars are fine, as are the high-ceilinged workingman's bar, and both of those types require smoke for the proper ambiance as well.

Sports bars are probably an abomination, but there is something amusing about the notion. People go to a bar to sit on their duffs and drink and smoke to celebrate athletics. They should probably be shut down, but I will keep them open, so long as they are smoke-filled. Otherwise they will resemble gyms, and will probably start to smell like gyms. Also, people should require licenses to go to sports bars, with limits set.

Non sports bars should not have televisions in them. Televisions are conversation killers. They distract from writing and drawing and darts and billiards. If they are tuned to the news, they will encourage excessive despondant drinking.

Anyway, thanks to Fr. Jim Tucker for pointing this depressing story out. All I can say to you outside of California is "resist!" Even if, no, especially if these health puritan ideas appeal to you, realize that a bar is a special place. Smoke free atmospheres are ideal for a fitness club, not a bar. You will only be encouraging the wrong sort of bars from happening, and that will lead to real health issues stemming from immoral activity!